ou wake up on the savannah with the orange sun rising over the horizon and set to work. You’re not the best hunter in the band – in fact you’re a bit clumsy on your feet. But boy can you make a sharp (and sturdy) spear.
The wildebeest are migrating through the area, and there’s a big hunt planned for today. Two of the best hunters need new spears, and the spears just need a few finishing touches before your hunting party sets out.
Your 6 year old son sits beside you watching. You explain what you’re doing as you go. You take pride in your work. You make better spears today than you did a year ago. And you expect to make even better spears in the future.
Your band needs you. Your hunts are more successful because you do what you do so well. And you need the skilled hunters. In your hands the spears do not work as well.
You also need the tribe members who gather enough fruit and starch to feed everyone when the hunting is sparse – and it’s often sparse. One person has an uncanny ability for finding edible roots.
There are dozens of things that need to be done to keep everyone alive and well, and among the able-bodied adults everyone has something they are the best at. Everyone feels needed. And everyone appreciates how valuable everyone else is to the success of the tribe. And yours is a pretty kick-ass tribe.
Your tribe has a leader. But if others strongly dislike the direction he’s leading, they don’t follow. When it comes time to make decisions, everyone has a voice. The leader needs everyone else as much as they need him.
It didn’t take much work to get everyone on board for today’s hunt.
Bill awoke in a cold sweat. It was 2:30 am. No lion was chasing him. The bills were paid. He and his family were safe and healthy. They lived in a reasonably nice suburban neighborhood.
But Bill felt terror. His life was half over (probably more than half over if his current levels of stress continue), and he hadn’t done anything with his life yet – not really. And Bill thinks it’s becoming more and more likely that, when he dies, he will die a failure.
Years ago Bill set his sights on making several million dollars. Today he is still just barely paying the bills.
Bill’s father created a successful business in his youth and now sips martinis by his pool at his mansion and pontificates about how most people don’t know how to work and don’t give a damn about America or God.
Bill has other thoughts about politics and religion (and about how his father made his money), but Bill never speaks up. He feels unworthy to speak up. After all, if you don’t make a lot of money you’re either lazy or stupid.
Money is voice. And Bill doesn’t have enough of it. Bill hates visiting his parents and sitting around the dinner table taking in his father’s words, feeling unable to challenge the one-sided rants.
Bill’s 20th high school reunion is approaching, and he’s not sure he wants to go. He had such promise in high school. What will others think when they realize he’s not as successful as they expected him to be?
Bill’s wife can only guess why he’s so preoccupied and moody. For the most part Bill keeps his feelings to himself.
Bill had better get back to sleep. His alarm goes off in 3 hours, and he needs to drag himself out of bed so he can get to work on time.
Hard Up for Happiness in the Modern World
Our psyches were molded in simpler times. Those simpler times were not necessarily better than the times we live in now. Women died in childbirth a lot more than they do today. Infectious diseases killed more people than they do today. Violent death was much more likely in the “good old days”. There were no hot tubs or video games. And we didn’t know nearly as much about the world as we do now.
Tribes also differed from other tribes. Some were fairly idyllic. And some contained violent bullies you couldn’t get away from. Some tribes killed elderly members when they were no longer useful. And, if a person found that their biological drives were out of step with the values of the tribe, they were in for a rough life with nowhere to go to get away from it.
In spite of all this, it’s still easy to imagine that tribal life was happier than the lives we live today.
In the tribe it was easier to feel a sense of belonging — a sense of mutual respect and mutual need. It was easy to develop a skill and become the best in the “known world” at something others actually cared about. Values were shared and motivations were understood.
Today things are different. And many of the differences cause unhappiness. Our natural goal-setting tendencies used to lead us to choose goals that made us happy. Today they often don’t.
Things Are Different
Let’s look at some of the ways our world has changed since our psychologies were forged, and then we’ll consider how these changes affect our sense of well-being in life.
1. We interact with a greater diversity of people than ever before.
Diversity is at an all time high. As we meet new people over the course of a year we confront a greater diversity of skills, knowledge, and values than people have ever encountered before.
Diversity is the source of much good. Diverse groups of qualified people usually come up with better solutions to problems than less diverse groups.
However, modern diversity also strains our brains – especially the diversity in values.
A person has a family. A person has workmates. A person has schoolmates. A person has playmates. And people join churches or special interest groups that meet weekly or monthly, in person or on the internet.
Perhaps our families are Democrats our work mates are Republicans, and our school mates are Communists.
Perhaps our families are Catholics, our workmates are Protestants, and our schoolmates are Atheists.
Our families like country music, our school mates like rap and pop, and our work mates like classic rock.
Some of these differences are trivial, and some are not.
Somehow we have to figure out a way to get along with those people in our lives who have influence over our well-being. And we must be careful how we do this.
Other people have a stake in whether we agree with them or not. They need to know what to expect from us, and whether we’re with them or against them. We need to figure out when it’s necessary to be with them and when it’s OK to be against them, because being on the side of one person sometimes requires being opposed to another.
When our grandfather makes an insensitive statement about members of a different group, perhaps we don’t rebuke him, but give a polite smile and change the subject. Then we feel guilt at the thought of what our friends would think of our not speaking out.
When a friend complains about the alienation of the work force at the hands of greedy capitalists, we might want to respond in a way that keeps us in good standing with our friend (whether we agree with her or not). But we also have our boss and family members in the back of our heads judging how we respond.
The normative landscape is rugged. And these examples are vastly oversimplified. Most issues are not ones you are simply for or against, but there are dozens of nuanced positions to take. And many groups contain members all along a given value spectrum.
It’s fair to ask whether our brains are fully equipped to handle the degree of diversity we face today.
2. We compare ourselves to higher standards than ever before.
We watch TV and everyone is beautiful. We are not as beautiful. How many people in a tribe of 50 look like Megan Fox? How many look like Brad Pitt?
You don’t look like this
after having three kids
with inferior genes,
and no air-brushing?
What’s wrong with you?
We watch TV and everyone is rich. Entrepreneurs are always successful. Authors always get published. People’s houses are considerably nicer than ours.
We watch the Olympics and realize we might as well not even know how to run or swim. And it dawns on us that our synchronized swimming partner sucks.
Only those in the top 1% of 1% of 1% have an opportunity to display their talents, wealth, and beauty before the general public. And those are the people we compare ourselves to. It’s a nearly impossible standard.
It’s natural to want to be the prettiest girl in the tribe, to have the most resources, or to be the best in the known world at something that others understand and respect. Once upon a time we could set goals like that and get away with it.
Today we draw our competition from a pool of 7 billion people, and wanting to be among the elite is most often a recipe for discouragement.
3. We specialize more than ever before.
Aristotle read all the intellectual writings that existed in Greece in his time, and then went on to add a substantial chunk to this body of knowledge himself.
Even as recently as 1600 – if you were reasonably bright and had enough time on your hands — you could have a good grasp of all academic knowledge. You could read all the “classics”. You could master the known mathematics, philosophy, rhetoric and so on.
From 1600 to 1900 you could not master all human knowledge, no matter how bright you were, but, if you worked hard, you could aspire to master a single field – like mathematics, physics, philosophy or history.
By 1950, you were lucky to master a sub-discipline like Chinese history.
Today you’re lucky to master a sub-sub-sub discipline – like the history of the first 100 years of the Ch’in Dynasty from the perspective of a house servant.
Today we have to work harder than ever to get mastery of ever smaller fields. And the payoff for this work is smaller than ever.
If you were a scholar in the year 1500 and you went to a cocktail party and someone introduced you as “a scholar”, that meant something. That meant you knew EVERYTHING.
Today, you go to a family reunion and tell them you’ve worked for 20 years to become an expert on the realism/anti-realism debate in the meta-ethics sub-sub field of Philosophy, and your relatives don’t know what to think of that. Then they ask around and find out you make $35,000/year, and they figure it must not be very important.
You tell someone you develop web-based software. They hear “computers” and they want you to fix their printer. You can’t fix their printer, so you must not really know computers.
We often don’t understand what our neighbor does for a living, and we don’t know how to explain what we do.
We might even be the best in the world at some small little leaf far out on the tree of skill or the tree of knowledge, but no one we grew up with cares.
4. Markets are more efficient than ever before
If you provide a good no one else provides, you can charge a high price and make good money. This probably won’t last long, though. If your profit margin is high enough, others will notice the opportunity and set up shop to compete with you. This will drive down prices. With enough competition, prices will fall to a level not much higher than the cost of production.
As consumers we love this. As entrepreneurs we find it frustrating.
Are you squeezing?
Or mostly getting squeezed?
This same dynamic applies to the labor market. If you have a skill very few others have, you can charge a high price for your labor. However, if your wages are high enough, others will notice the opportunity and begin developing the skills they need to compete with you. If the supply of qualified workers grows faster than the need for the service, wages will fall.
As business owners we love this. As workers we hate it.
On balance efficient markets might work out well for us. The benefits we receive from lower prices and cheaper labor offset the frustrations that come from having to sell our goods and labor at lower prices.
But efficient markets might also fail us personally. If we lose our job, because there’s too much competition for our position, the equation won’t balance in our favor – at least in the short term. And in the long term some people reap more reward from efficient markets than others.
Overall, efficient markets have led to higher standards of living on average. Life spans are up. Physical possessions are up. Entertainment options are up. Education levels are up.
But are we happier?
Maybe. And maybe not. Once upon a time our place in the tribe was secure. Our skills were highly valued, and they would remain that way our whole productive lives. Today our place is not secure. If there’s a lot of competition for our position, we can be replaced with someone better. And there’s almost always someone better.
Today’s worker can be replaced regardless of how hard they work or how good they are.
Not only that, but whole companies can be replaced. If another company comes along and provides a better or cheaper alternative, everyone can be out of a job through no fault of their own.
Whether you own the business, or you work for wages, in the modern world you very likely live your days with a sword of Damocles hanging over your head.
5. Innovation happens faster than ever before
We live in exciting times. New discoveries are being made every year in almost every field of science. New gadgets are being invented every year. And our existing technologies are being improved every year.
It’s well known that computers have been getting faster. Until recently computer clock speeds had doubled roughly every 18 months since computers were first developed. Your smart phone is (much) more powerful than the computers NASA used to run the Apollo Project. There’s reason to think this pace of improvement has slowed, and will continue to slow, but we are finding other ways, such as parallel computing, to keep finding improvements.
“The Highest Quality Genome,
Now in a Single Day”
Some improvements are happening even faster. The Human Genome Project set out to sequence the human genome in 1989. It took 13 years and 3 Billion dollars to finish.
Toward the end of the Human Genome Project a private company working in parallel reduced the cost in money and time to $200 million and about one year.
Just 10 years later a machine can sequence a genome in a day at a teeny fraction of the cost:
Have you heard about 3-D printers? Did you know they are already semi-affordable? These machines take a 3-d design for a coffee mug or a bracelet, or, . . . pretty much any solid object you can imagine, and print them layer by layer out of plastic. Individuals with a sense of design can invent new gadgets all by themselves.
Currently the production models of these printers make objects from a single material. And you can’t print a ham sandwich yet. But Star Trek replicators can’t be that far off.
And did you know that we can now re-grow body parts and organs?
True. A woman recently grew a new ear for herself under the skin of her forearm.
Imagine what would happen if we could combine the 3-d printer technology with the ability to grow new body parts. Then you could print a new liver for yourself in your basement.
You laugh. Check this out.
These are exciting times. But they are also disorienting and turbulent times.
New innovations come along so quickly in part because we have such high degrees of specialization, diversity and market efficiency – three factors mentioned above.
But the influence goes the other way as well. New inventions and discoveries require new specializations. Rapid innovation also contributes to some of the negative effects of the efficient market. Not only can we lose our job. Not only can our company go out of business. But with new technologies entire industries can be swept away.
If 3-d printing becomes extremely cheap and more versatile (and why wouldn’t it?), all you need is a design you can draw up on your computer (or download from someone else’s computer) plus some raw goo, and you can make nearly anything you want. This cuts out a lot of middle men. Many manufacturing jobs will become obsolete. And many of those workers will need to work very hard to become relevant again.
Not only does rapid innovation make it difficult to keep job skills relevant, it also makes it difficult to stay “in the know”.
Many older folks in their 80s and 90s have not embraced (and likely will not embrace) the internet. When they grew up electric appliances and automobiles were new industries. Many still walked and rode horses as their primary form of transportation in their youth. In many ways they had more in common with the young people in the Roman Empire than they have in common with young people today.
They have been left behind. They are irrelevant. After years of helping to build our world, our world no longer has any use for them. And they don’t understand the world they are leaving behind.
Before you pity them, realize something. Because the pace of innovation is increasing, it’s going to be worse for us. We will one day be even more “out of touch” than our octogenarians are today.
Happy, Healthy Humans
Human beings are not naturally lazy. We are internally driven by a great many things. When important things get scarce, we can become very focused and creative about securing them — things like food, shelter, sex, and companionship.
But that’s not all. When our basic physical and social needs are met we don’t simply wait around for one of our needs to run low again so we can spring into action.
Instead, when our needs are met, we naturally begin a process of growth – alternating between bouts of curious exploration and creative integration.
When we read a book (or even a gossip magazine), we first expose ourselves to new ideas, and then we think about how the new ideas fit with what we previously thought.
When we learn a new skill (like racquetball, painting, or spear making), we make our first clumsy attempts with the new techniques. Then we practice and refine them until they fit us and become a part of our skill set.
When we join a new social group, we first figure out how the group’s members approach life and what they’re up to. Then we figure out how we might fit into the group, and how the group might fit into our lives.
When we take a trip to another part of the world, first we explore the people and the landscape. Then we come to new understandings of cultural differences and the universalities of human nature.
When we solve new problems we first try combinations of existing techniques until something “kinda sorta” works. Then we tinker and tweak until everything is working smoothly.
Growth is a matter of curious exploration plus integration. We increase chaos and then reduce it through organization. We tack new experiences onto our old organizing principles until we find it too cumbersome. Then we search for a new organizing principle that makes the chaos manageable again. These are our “eureka” moments.
Human beings are not naturally withdrawn or selfish either. While we are driven to explore, organize, discover, and grow our own skills and knowledge, we are also naturally inclined to share our discoveries with others.
When we return from our trip, we show our pictures and tell our stories. When we master a new skill, we start giving advice to others (whether they want it or not). When we discover new ways to look at the world, we create works of art to both express how we feel and give hints about our discovery so that some in our audience might discover the insight for themselves. When we invent a new way to manipulate the world, we share our technology with others.
We are the biggest go-getters in the known universe. We want to grow our personal knowledge, and our skills. And we want to help our whole tribe improve as well.
Why Our Lives Lack Zest (One Theory)
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all make a good living being moved by nothing other than the instinct for curious exploration, the enthusiastic desire to integrate the new with the old, and the compulsion to share our findings with others?
Some among us do live this way, and we envy them. But the rest of us have a different relationship to our work. For the most part we do things we would never do on our own time. We feel like we “have to” do what we do. We feel like slaves.
We lack enthusiasm for our work, because conditions aren’t right.
In the 1970s Edward Deci and Richard Ryan began investigating the differences between intrinsic motivation (the enthusiastic desire to do an activity simply because we find it interesting) and extrinsic motivation (for instance, doing something to gain rewards or avoid punishments).
When Deci and Ryan compared intrinsic to extrinsic motivation they found that (on average) intrinsic motivation leads to better performance, and is associated with a greater sense of well-being, better personality integration, better social integration, and more personal growth.
This should be of great interest to parents trying to motivate their children, bosses trying to motivate their employees, and individuals trying to motivate themselves.
But what conditions set the stage for intrinsic motivation? Deci and Ryan asked this question and, after testing many guesses, three conditions stood out: autonomy, competence, and relatedness.
If these three conditions are present for a task, they found, they lead to better performance and sense of well-being while doing the task.
And when people experience autonomy, competence and relatedness most of the time in all areas of their lives, they are more likely to report being happy overall, and more likely to have growing, integrated personalities than they would if they experienced higher levels of coercion, frustration, and alienation instead.
Furthermore, when autonomy, competence, and relatedness are lacking, people sometimes adopt harmful and often anti-social strategies in order to cope.
These three conditions appear to be quite important. In fact, they look like they might be the very key to happiness, productivity, growth, and psychological health.
You probably have a rough idea about what each of these conditions is, but let’s look a little more closely to make sure we avoid some of the most common misconceptions.
Deci and Ryan’s first (and most important) condition is autonomy.
In order to act with autonomy we must be able to look at our actions and judge that they are congruent with our personal values, that they contribute to our vision of a better world, and that we have, in some sense, chosen to perform them.
Autonomy is not the same thing as independence or detachment. A man who writes a novel might choose his own work and might even live alone in a cabin in the woods. But if he doesn’t enjoy writing, and is attempting to get published in order to prove to his parents that he is worthy of their love, then he does not work with autonomy.
Navy Seal recruits going through basic training submit themselves to both physical and psychological torment in a process that allows essentially no independence. Yet, if their training is a profound expression of their personal values, and if it contributes to their vision of a better world, they might well act with autonomy.
Autonomy is not all or nothing either. Tell a child, “Do the dishes or you’ll get a beating”, and the child will almost certainly lack autonomy completely. The child will drag his feet, give dirty looks, and foster resentment.
Tell a child, “I know you don’t want to do the dishes, but it’s good to contribute to the household that supports you”, and the child will probably still not act with full autonomy. But, if the child accepts the rationale, at least partly, the child can act with partial autonomy. The hope of many parents is that over time the child will internalize the rationale, and, in the future, the child can do the dishes for his or her own reasons.
Deci and Ryan’s second (and second most important) condition for intrinsic motivation is competence.
When we act with competence we feel confident that we can complete the task at hand. Without a sense of competence, we become anxious or frustrated and lose interest in working on the task.
When a student is asked to write a term paper and doesn’t clearly understand what the professor is looking for, she feels uncertain about her ability to do a good job. It’s frustrating. And that can sap her motivation for working on the paper.
When the same student has received consistent feedback from her professor, has a good idea about what her professor is looking for, and has an angle on the topic she thinks her professor will love, she feels competent to write a good paper and might well write with more enthusiasm.
Deci and Ryan’s third condition for intrinsic motivation is relatedness.
When relatedness is high, we know our place in our most cherished tribe is secure. We have a sense of mutual respect, mutual support, mutual enjoyment, and mutual affection with our tribe mates.
Tasks that foster closer ties to people we care about tend to be more interesting than those that don’t. When we teach our children how to cook or play our favorite sport, we often enjoy taking time from our busy schedules to do these things.
And when a task threatens our relationships with others, we lose interest in performing the task. A 5th grade boy might have fun playing games at a younger sibling’s birthday party. But if there’s a chance schoolmates might learn that he was having fun playing “little kid” games, the child might refuse to participate.
Deci and Ryan’s theory has come to be known as “Self Determination Theory” (SDT). One part of SDT states that when autonomy, competence and relatedness are present for a task, we stand a good chance of working with enthusiasm. When any one of those conditions is absent, our work becomes less interesting and might even become downright oppressive.
World of Warcraft is (hands down) the most popular subscription-based video game yet created. And it has held this title from 2005 to the present (2012).
What is Warcraft’s
Warcraft is highly addictive to the vulnerable. It has broken up marriages, and there are some reports of players dying because they could not pull themselves away from the game to sleep or use the bathroom.
What’s the draw?
One could argue that Warcraft was the first video game to master the triumvirate of autonomy, competence and relatedness.
In Warcraft a player makes use of many skills to complete tasks within the game. As players “level up” in these skills, they feel ready to take on new challenges (or “quests”). Quests and skills are very well balanced, so players are likely to be presented with a quest right when their skill level gives them some confidence that they will be able to complete it without feeling overwhelmed.
The game also grants a lot of autonomy. Players are free to choose the personal qualities and skills of their character, so they can play in a style that’s congruent with their own game playing values. At any point during game play a player can usually choose from among multiple quests, and can abandon most quests at any time to do something else. And players who do not feel ready to meet a challenge can spend time building skills before they take on the challenge.
The game also supports relatedness. Players can team up with others and form guilds. A 3-person guild might match a sneaky archer with a well-armored warrior and a healing magician. The synergy is often surprising. Each player feels needed and each feels they need the others on the team.
Warcraft doesn’t appeal to everyone. But if you are drawn to the life of a medieval warrior, thief, or magician, Warcraft, and games like it, will likely have much appeal.
Games built on this model are addicting, in part, because autonomy + competence + relatedness is a powerful motivational potion. And, in part, it’s a matter of contrast. Our psychological needs are not met nearly as well in the real world as they are in a World of Warcraft.
Sick Humans in the Modern Zoo
Does the modern world frustrate our attempts to feel autonomy, competence and relatedness? Let’s take a look at how the modern world affects our sense of autonomy and our sense of competence.
We won’t look specifically at relatedness. Relatedness is something of a third wheel in Self-Determination Theory. This seems strange in some ways, because friends, family, and colleagues are such a major source of happiness for most people. Yet in studies that try to isolate the contribution of each factor, relatedness turns out to have the least effect on intrinsic motivation and well-being.
That might be because relatedness is somewhat dependent on autonomy and competence. Perhaps those who enjoy lives filled with autonomy and competence also tend to connect to others in ways that increase their well-being. In any case, even as we consider how the modern world threatens our autonomy and competence, it should become apparent that it also threatens our sense of relatedness at the same time.
Autonomy in the modern world
It might sound silly to suggest that the modern world frustrates autonomy.
The modern Western world (especially the English speaking world) is notorious for its emphasis on autonomy. Ask many people from more traditional societies about the United States, and they’ll tell you we don’t care enough about others, we ignore the wishes of our families and communities, we celebrate rebellion and deviant behavior, we are unwilling to sacrifice, and we complain about the slightest inconvenience others might put on us. Isn’t our main problem the fact that we’re awash in autonomy?
But autonomy is not equivalent to independence or deviance. Autonomy is a matter of feeling free to act according to our own values, and pursue our own vision of the good. A person in a traditional society who shares the deeply held values of her family and community might live with more autonomy than the Westerner who rejects her family’s way of life and follows her own path.
Even then it might seem silly to suggest the modern world frustrates autonomy. Don’t modern tools and social structures give us more ability than ever to act according to our own values and pursue our own vision of the good?
Yes and no. In fact the modern world increases autonomy in some ways, and decreases it in others.
If you are the tribal spear maker or the village blacksmith you have a lot of personal freedom to decide how you do your work, how long you will work, and how hard you will work. No one tells you how to do your job, because no one else knows how to do your job like you do. And it’s easy to tell your own story about how your work is contributing to the greater good. You work with autonomy. And, if this autonomy translates into intrinsic motivation, you will likely work at a good pace for long stretches of time and enjoy it.
Modern business has not given high priority to employee autonomy, in spite of the fact that people often work harder when they have it. The reason is straightforward. A corporation doesn’t merely want a worker to work with enthusiasm in whichever direction the worker sees fit. The corporation needs one worker’s output to coordinate with the output of others. It’s better to have a worker slavishly go in the right direction than enthusiastically go off on a tangent.
And, because there’s always someone else who can be plugged into a given job, modern firms can make workers do things that are boring or stressful, that conflict with the worker’s values, and that might even pit the worker against his fellow human beings. Today’s worker often has little choice but to toe the line.
Today’s marketers often peddle products they don’t believe in. Firm lawyers must sometimes defend positions at odds with their personal ethics. People work extra hours and agree to be “on call” 24×7. And many of us bounce between the boring and the stressful most of our working lives.
Modern humans have autonomy issues in their personal lives as well.
Judgmental family members often coerce other family members into holding the beliefs and values of the family. They do this by expressing dismay, disdain, or anger when members of the group don’t act the way they think they should. This coercion can have good effects (it can make a person think twice before harming others in the group). But it can also make it difficult for a person to be who they truly are with the people they love most.
Human beings have always had judgmental friends and family members. That’s nothing new. And punishments for deviation were often harsher in the past than they are today. What’s new is that it’s getting more and more difficult to avoid disappointing people who are important to us.
In the tribe, you weren’t as likely to be tempted away from the tribe’s values. You pretty much lived your life in the tribe, and didn’t encounter alternative religious beliefs, alternative political parties, or alternative lifestyles.
Today we encounter, and must work closely with, many people whose values are different than the values we were taught as children. If we find ourselves having repeated interactions with these people and their communities, then, at some point, we must decide upon a strategy. Will we 1) remain loyal to the values of our original community, 2) boldly reject the original community and switch to the new, 3) live a double-life by compartmentalizing or 4) find a creative way to integrate ourselves into the best parts of both communities?
Option one (remaining loyal to the values of our original community) can protect our sense of autonomy if we are not particularly curious. But there are some downsides to pursuing this strategy as well. It means we can’t sincerely consider whether others might have better beliefs or a better way of life than we do. To open ourselves to such possibilities would be to risk changing our minds. So we must shield ourselves from the influence of outsiders to a large degree.
Life in a bubble might keep us in good standing with the people in our lives who got there first, but the strategy is decidedly at odds with our drive for sincere and curious exploration. It shuts us off from beliefs and values that might prove better than the beliefs and values we started with. And this strategy sometimes has socially undesirable consequences, leading to prejudice and the kinds of debates where people on both sides talk loudly with their fingers in their ears.
Option two (switching allegiance) could eventually lead to a new situation of autonomous living for those who are not particularly curious, just like option one.
Presumably one would switch allegiance only if the new way of life seems better than the old. Even then it takes courage. When people do switch sides, the plunge is not usually taken until the waters are tested and new social ties are in place and secure.
And, if it’s simply a matter of switching from one bubble to another, switching allegiance suffers the same downsides as maintaining the original loyalties.
Option three (living a double life) is an increasingly common way to deal with normative conflict in the modern world. Unfortunately, life in a closet is not fun.
The idea of being in a closet brings to mind a homosexual individual who has not yet told family or friends about his (or her) sexual orientation, because he (or she) fears they won’t react well, and might reject him (or her) because of it. This is a classic and tragic case of living in a closet, but it’s not the only way to live in a closet. Closets come in various shapes and sizes. There are sexual-orientation closets, belief closets, addiction closets, and values closets, among others.
Some children grow up, go away to college, and begin to question the religious beliefs or political positions of their parents. Many do not tell their parents for years, for fear of negative reactions. So they spend Thanksgiving dinner avoiding political or religious conversation, feeling pressure to keep their mouth shut when they’d rather share their thoughts as an equal partner in the discussion.
When we compartmentalize, we must maintain separate personalities in our head, the same way we maintain separate outfits in our wardrobe. And we have to be careful to pull out just the right personality for the given occasion. If we don’t stay in character well enough, we might slip up and mention something that removes our mask and blows our cover.
We must also spend precious time, energy, and attention orchestrating our two worlds so they don’t accidentally collide.
But people are choosing the closet more than ever. Why? In part it’s because we are exposed to and attracted to more alternative beliefs and lifestyles than ever before. In part it’s because it’s easier to keep our worlds separate today. And in part it’s because the consequences of being found out aren’t typically as bad as they used to be. When we experiment with new ideas and values today, it’s nowhere near as dangerous as tinkering with Witchcraft in Salem, or Atheism during the Spanish Inquisition.
The consequences of disappointing others are mild enough so that our curiosity feels free to roam. But the consequences are harsh enough that we’d rather live a double-life than embrace the conflict that comes from revealing who we truly are.
This dynamic causes many moderns to live lives low in autonomy. Too often we are in situations where we bite our tongue rather than speak our mind. And we focus much attention and energy on keeping our worlds separate – attention and energy that we’d perhaps rather spend on personal growth and social contribution.
Option four (finding a creative way to integrate into both communities) is perhaps the healthiest option, both personally and socially. But it is difficult. Unlike living a double life, this strategy allows us to express the same set of personal values in all situations. But it also requires us to frequently engage in a process of “values clarification,” “finding ourselves,” or “figuring out who we truly are.”
Ultimately this strategy requires us to re-negotiate our relationships with all the important people in our lives, bit by bit. We modify the values we express to others here and there in each community, a little at a time. Eventually we tweak our set of values into shape until they are in a condition that a) we can live with, b) our original community can live with, and c) our new community can live with. If we are creative and persistent, we can sometimes make it all work without risking too many negative emotional reactions as we move with integrity between groups.
A person raised with pro-life values might attend college and learn that most of her new friends are pro-choice. After much thought, she might adopt the view that abortions should happen only in the first trimester. Or she might expand the set of exceptions her family would allow. This might allow her to move her personal values close enough to her friends’ values to keep them happy, and might also allow her to remain close enough to her family’s values to keep them happy.
Of course those who seek to clarify their values don’t typically think in such strategic terms. Their concern is with what is truly right or wrong, good or bad. But the need to minimize negative social reactions will likely shape their values nonetheless.
When it works well, this strategy can help a person maintain an overall sense of autonomy in one way. When they choose to act, they can act in ways that are consistent with their personal values without fear of social consequences.
But, because this strategy requires lot of focused thought (often in the form of brooding), it can frustrate autonomy as well. This strategy typically appeals to those who are both curious and conscientious. But, if such people are to avoid negative judgments from all the different groups they’ve managed to integrate with, they will have to adopt new beliefs and values very carefully. Every new proposed belief or action must be meticulously scrutinized for its potential to produce conflict. They must examine it to make sure not only that it fits with their own interests and needs, but also that it is something they can justify to all the other people in their lives.
The more diversity a person manages to embrace, and the more conscientious they are, the more time and space they need to construct justifications and clarify values. If they would rather spend that time developing new skills or producing things to share with others, they will feel oppressed by the constant need to “over think” things. And this can drain some of the zest from their lives.
In summary, the modern world can frustrate our need for autonomy. Autonomy in the workplace is frustrated by modern market efficiency. And autonomy in our personal lives is frustrated by modern diversity in beliefs and values. It is often those who attempt to embrace diversity most who pay the highest price in autonomy. They often must go to great lengths to justify their beliefs and values to others, or hide their beliefs and actions from others. This is time and energy they would typically rather spend in other ways.
Competence in the Modern World
Modern humans have many skills. We can read, write, and do arithmetic. We can cook, shop and use the internet. We can play sports, musical instruments, and video games. And we keep learning new skills most of our lives.
Having skills makes us feel more competent than not having skills. And we are arguably learning more skills than ever. But we are not feeling more competent than ever.
The problem is that each hour we spend developing skills is providing less bang for the buck in terms of felt competence. And that’s because our skills aren’t as valuable to others as they used to be.
Deep inside many people is a desire to be the best in the tribe at something that matters to the tribe. We want to be the go-to person for some skill or service the community values. This desire is not necessarily about having higher status than others (that’s a different issue). It’s about having our own special way to contribute to the community. If others rely on us for our skills as much as we rely on them for their skills, we feel like we belong. There’s a sense of mutual respect and mutual need.
This drives us to develop diverse skills. If the older brother is already valued as the smart child, the younger brother might work to become the funny child. The high school student who lacks talent for playing football might work hard to become the best beat-boxer, artist, dancer, mathematician, chess player, expert on comic books, song lyric memorizer, or drug dealer in the school.
A drive for unique competence is good for individuals in the tribe. It also helps the tribe as a whole. A tribe with diverse talents extracts resources from the environment more effectively than a tribe whose members compete with each other to master a narrower range of skills.
In the good old days this was our trick for feeling competent. Simply find a skill the tribe values that no one else is specializing in, and spend time practicing it until we are the go-to resource for that skill for the tribe.
Unfortunately, that trick doesn’t work as well as it used to.
One problem is that consumers no longer need to get their needs met in a local market. Instead they are free to seek the best deal they can find in a global market.
You might be the best copywriter in your neighborhood, but local copywriters have little edge over distant copywriters in most cases. In order for a copywriter to get their neighbor’s business, they must compete with all the other copywriters in the world.
Being an average provider in a global niche is not necessarily an economic death sentence. In fields like copywriting that require one-on-one fulfillment, the market has a way of allowing mediocre providers to compete side by side with excellent providers. Copywriters often take a week or more per project, and there’s more demand for copywriting than the best copywriters in the world can satisfy. That allows the best copywriters to set higher prices and still stay busy.
Because the best copywriters have limited capacity and charge higher prices, lesser copywriters can serve clients who don’t want to wait, or don’t want to pay the higher fees. As a new copywriter gets better and better, she can charge higher and higher prices.
Developing skills like copywriting can be economically viable. But our main concern here is not economic. Our main concern has to do with happiness. And a mediocre copywriter might not fare well on that count.
When we compete with the best in the world, it takes a long time to get good. Some have estimated that 10,000 hours is something of a magic number. That number is somewhat arbitrary, of course, and will vary from person to person and from niche to niche. But these days almost anyone must focus on their craft for a very long time before they feel competent, and for others to recommend them as a go-to resource on the basis of merit alone.
People now spend years of their life practicing skills and offering services, knowing the whole time they are not among the best at their craft. That’s tough on members of our species. Our psychologies were built to crave competence at a time when it might have taken 500 hours of focused skill development to become a go-to resource for the tribe. Today it takes 10,000 hours to get the same hit.
And today’s 10,000 hours might turn into tomorrow’s 20,000 hours.
The local-global shift is not the only shift going on in the modern world. Another problem is that, in some niches, producers have greater reach.
Take story-telling. Not only has storytelling moved from local to global, it’s also moved from relatively unleveraged to relatively leveraged.
Christopher Nolan is not in the same position as the copywriter. He doesn’t have to meet one on one with clients and spend a week with each one to deliver his service. Once he finishes a movie, it can be distributed to everyone in the world with very little extra effort on his part.
And that means, if you want to be the go-to provider of your neighbor’s story telling needs, you must compete with Christopher Nolan, Stephen King, and all the other story tellers in the world. There is little place for mediocre story tellers to compete side-by-side with the best. It seems to be all or nothing. Winner take all.
The story telling niche has made two transitions: from local to global accessibility and from relatively unleveraged fulfillment to fully leveraged fulfillment.
Many niches have made both transitions. Some have made one but not the other. And some niches still require local, one-on-one fulfillment.
Plumbers, auto mechanics, doctors, lawyers, and most hourly workers still often provide services under local and unleveraged conditions.
Shopkeepers, local workshop providers, and local musicians can still be local, and have more leverage than the plumbers.
Copywriters, consultants, and salaried corporate workers tend to work in an unleveraged manner, providing services to one stakeholder at a time. But they are, for the most part, squarely in the global labor market.
Writers who write for mass consumption, software developers, professional athletes, and academic researchers are in global-leveraged niches.
Not every niche fits neatly into just one of the four categories. Small firm doctors and lawyers, for instance, are often in a global marketplace when looking for their first job. But, once established in a town, their sense of competence depends mostly on the local competition.
And some jobs will have multiple aspects with some aspects fitting into one category and other aspects fitting into another. University professors compete locally for teaching competence, and globally for researching competence.
Here’s where things get interesting. Most of the new value in the world is being created in the global-leveraged category. And that could be really bad news for us and our stone-age psychologies. It might mean more and more of us will have to compete head on with millions of others to be the best in the world at something, with most of us failing completely, and a few lucky winners taking the whole pie.
Many people are, in fact, falling into that trap these days. Fortunately it’s not entirely necessary, even when developing skills for global-leveraged markets.
An alternative is that we can create a new niche for ourselves. Academic researchers have long competed in a global labor market. But researchers have a knack for finding new areas of study to call their own. Once they find their specialty, it’s relatively easy to become the world-wide expert in that area – at least for a while.
Today there are biochemists who specialize in the effects of a specific gene on a specific organ. Because niches can branch and branch and branch, the number of niches can grow as fast as the number of people seeking niches. And, like the best beat-boxer in the high school, we are naturals at finding our own niches.
Writers can do something similar. Stephen King doesn’t compete head on with John Grisham. One writes horror stories, and the other writes lawyer/detective novels. A newish writer with a background in Renaissance History might carve off a new niche by writing lawyer/detective novels in a Renaissance setting. Even if our new writer is only above average as a writer, she might find a small following among Renaissance Era enthusiasts who also like lawyer/detective novels.
Another alternative for someone in a global leveraged niche is to stop flying solo and join a company. The company will compete in the global leveraged niche, and the employee will offer services to the company in a global, unleveraged manner.
So it’s not all doom and gloom in the modern world. There are still many ways to feel competent. But it is much more difficult than it was in the tribe or village.
Here are some of the challenges we face trying to feel competent these days:
- If we pursue a relatively broad niche that our local friends and family would understand and value in a global-leveraged market (like being a novelist, screen actor, or professional musician), then we face immense competition and are unlikely to become the go-to resource we want to become.
- If we pursue a very narrow niche in an academic setting (like studying the effects of a dopamine receptor gene on appetite regulation), we can settle in with a stable niche and achieve a high sense of competence, but we have to spend years training and competing before we get to the point where we can even reasonably think about selecting a niche. (There’s no point choosing a specific niche 10 years in advance of being qualified to practice it these days.)
- If we try to limit the competition by pursuing an extremely narrow niche in a global leveraged market (perhaps we create software that helps disc golf players track their progress), it can be tough to find the people in the world who want our product or services.
- If we pursue a very narrow niche in a global-leveraged market, it can also be difficult to explain to our local friends and family what we do. They will not know enough to be able to recommend us to others, and might not know anyone who would want our services anyway. If we are struggling to make good money it can be tough to make a case for competence to those in our lives who matter most.
- If we spend 10 years developing a craft, we might come to feel competent, but, because of the rapid pace of innovation, our service might become obsolete. As our niche goes the way of the dodo, so does our sense of competence.
- If we provide a local-leveraged service – such as local continuing-education workshops, we might find that more and more of our market is being served by globally-available, digitally-delivered workshops. This shrinks our niche down to those who want to meet in person, and causes others to expect us to be among the best in the world, as opposed to simply being the best in the community.
- If we try to go the most sure-fire route and find a niche that resembles the town blacksmith or tribal spear maker – like becoming a small town plumber, we will have an easier time than most coming to feel competent. Even then, though, we will face challenges. The internet is providing more and more excellent DIY troubleshooting and repair guides to anyone so inclined. This reduces demand for plumbers, and reduces their status to some degree. Independent artisans also have to worry about national firms moving into their area and competing for their business.
- If we offer services, such as copywriting, in a global-unleveraged market, we have to spend more and more time working our craft before we can feel competent. And new innovations mean we must continually stay on top of things to stay relevant. There is no coasting in the modern world. No longer can we spend our days zoning out, making spears and whistling as we work. We must struggle to stay relevant, or be left behind.
OK, so it’s more difficult than it used to be to feel autonomous and competent in the modern world. And that threatens our sense of well-being. So what? What does that have to do with goal setting?
In the final section of this essay (and we’re almost there) we will consider the kinds of goals we should and shouldn’t set if we want to be happy. Part of the answer is that we need to set goals that increase our autonomy and competence.
But part of the answer is that we need to let go of some of our goals — goals we think will make us happy but won’t. These goals are seen as shortcuts to happiness, and they often backfire.
We will next focus our attention on what is perhaps the most popular shortcut to happiness – pursuing wealth.
Is Money the Answer?
Fill in this blank: If I had ten million dollars, it would change my life for the better, because _____________________________________.
List the answers that easily come to mind, and then see if any of the following answers should be on your list:
- I could tell my boss to go jump in the lake.
- I could hold my head high at my high school reunion.
- I could speak my mind with my family on religious, political, or lifestyle topics without fearing they will shun me or cut me out of the inheritance.
- People, in general, would take my opinion more seriously.
- I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about the bad life choices I’ve made in the past.
- I could escape the rat race and relax.
- I could get out of a bad relationship.
- I could enjoy new technologies rather than feeling threatened by them.
- I could justify what I have been doing with my time — even to those who don’t understand what I’ve been doing with my time.
- I could set up a life for myself far away from my family.
- I could pay the bills (and not worry about paying them ever again).
- I could give more money to charity.
- I could start that social movement I’ve always wanted to start.
- I could develop that product or service I’ve wanted to develop.
- I could take better care of an ill family member.
- I wouldn’t be a financial burden on my family any longer.
- I could quit my stressful job and have more energy for my family during the day, and in the evenings.
- I could hobnob with higher status people.
- I could hire other people to do all the things in my business I don’t want to do.
- I could go back to school.
- I could travel the world.
- I could devote more time to my favorite skill (and maybe compete with the best in the world at it).
- I could sit around in my pajamas all day and play World of Warcraft.
- I could buy a piece of land and build the perfect survivalist compound.
Can money buy happiness? Sometimes.
If you combine your own list with the list above, you can see that money can allow you to do many things, and most of those things will increase your happiness – at least a little bit, for at least a little while.
And money, it seems, can even buy lasting happiness up to a point.
A study by Daniel Kahneman and Angus Deaton suggests that income and daily well-being in the United States are strongly correlated up to about $75,000/year (and not strongly correlated above that amount). So, if you’re making less than $75,000/year, and you live in the United States, more money is likely to make you happier. If you live in a different country, it’s a reasonable guess that there is a similar figure that applies to you.
But sometimes the pursuit of money backfires.
If you take a close look at the above list, you will see some very good things to do with money. But you will also see that people sometimes adopt wealth goals as a way to cope with the fact that their psychological needs are not being met.
When we lack autonomy, competence or relatedness, we are sometimes vulnerable to the thought that making money is the easiest way to fix our problems.
If we have enough money, we can tell oppressive bosses, oppressive family members, and oppressive situations to go jump in the lake.
If we have enough money, we can prove that we are somebody, and that we must be competent in something of value to others.
If we have enough money, we can speak our mind freely without fear of scorn.
If we have enough money we can enjoy technological progress rather than seeing it as a threat to our competence.
If we have enough money we can show others that what looked like poor career choices in the past were really part of a grand master plan that we always knew would work out in the end.
Can you relate to this thinking? Have you set lofty monetary goals, because you see it as a simple way to quickly erase your autonomy, competence, and relatedness deficits?
If not, you almost certainly know people who are doing this right now.
And, if so, you’re not alone. It’s a very natural and common strategy. And it might seem an especially promising strategy, because we see it work out all the time in the movies.
However, on a percentage basis, it doesn’t actually work out as often as we might want it to. Money is hard to make. We think we can spend one or two years and reach our goal, and it might take ten or twenty instead.
And the problem is, because the money is our hope, we often don’t deal with our need deficits directly. We think, “If I just keep my head down and make my money, I can solve all my problems in one fell swoop.”
And, if it winds up taking twenty years, instead of two, that might wind up being twenty years of oppressive, alienated, low-self-esteem misery, instead of twenty years of well-integrated growth and contribution.
A second problem is that, if our psychological needs are not being met, AND we are short on money, we will have an edge of desperation to our money-making activities. And we will likely make short-sighted decisions because of it.
Instead of learning new skills to face new challenges, we will try to find the fastest work-around we can. Or we will switch projects rather than spending a little time to make an old project work the way it should. We will be repeatedly drawn to money-making shortcuts rather than building something of value. We will see the people we serve in our market as merely a means to our own ends rather than cultivating a sincere interest in making their lives better.
Pursuing money isn’t entirely a bad thing. Some good might come from setting money-making goals. But, if we set too high a goal, we might regret it. And, if it lures us into short-term thinking, it might even be counterproductive.
Consider again what the tribal spear maker needed to be happy. He needed to be part of a tribe filled with mutual respect, mutual affection, mutual support, and mutual need. He needed the freedom to contribute to the tribe in a way that fit him, and freedom to do his own thing from time to time. He needed some voice in the decisions the tribe made. And he needed to be good at something the tribe valued.
It might be that people in the United States need an average of $75,000/year to reach their highest levels of happiness, because that’s the amount of money needed to indirectly demonstrate competence, to indirectly gain the right to be taken seriously, and to set aside enough “f*** you” money to feel a bit more autonomous.
How much money would we need to be happy if we could more directly achieve autonomy, competence, and relatedness? It’s a good guess that it would be substantially less than $75,000/year.
Set Goals That Lead To Happiness
Well here we are. This is the final section of the essay. And we’ll finally get down to some practical advice. The structure of this section will be very straightforward. We will consider some goals that can help us increase our autonomy, competence, and relatedness in the year ahead.
Goals for Increasing Your Sense of Competence
1. Know your Competence Story
What is your “go to” skill (you might have more than one)? And how does that skill help you add value to the world?
First, answer those questions for yourself.
You might already have an area of competence, but you just haven’t articulated it yet. If so, then figure out what it is, and write it down.
If you can’t think of anything you’re really good at, and you can’t think of any way you’re using your skills to help other people, maybe you need to find something better to do with your time in the coming year.
And maybe you just need to look at what you’re doing in a different way. If you’re a barista at a coffee shop, perhaps you don’t feel like your job takes any special skill, and you don’t feel like you’re changing the world in any significant way. But this is partly a matter of how you tell the story. Put one way you simply serve coffee. Put another, you are providing the fuel that makes the world go round.
Second, once you’ve answered those questions for yourself, re-work your answer into a form that 1) you can explain to your friends and family, and 2) they can explain to other people.
Even if your skill is very narrow, and none of the people closest to you are in your market, if they can explain to others what you do, they will themselves better understand your competence, and they will think of you as a go-to resource that they can tell other people about just in case they ever run into someone who might need your services.
When you figure out how to explain what you do, try to get it down to a few sentences – or even a single sentence, if you can do so without losing anything important. Then you might even consider putting it on a business card.
But don’t order too many business cards. You want to feel free to change your competence story over time. And, as you grow into new levels of competence, make sure you always have a way to communicate to others what you do, and how you’re making the world a better place in a way that they can explain to others.
2. Develop New Skills
This isn’t a particularly new, profound, or tricky piece of advice. But, then again, most people don’t embrace it as fully as they should either.
We are sometimes too reticent to learn new skills. When it turns out we can’t complete a project because we lack a necessary skill, we might break out in anxiety, and then search for a work-around that depends only on our current skills instead of learning the new skill and “doing it right.”
But learning a new skill will typically yield much more benefit than simply getting a particular project done. New skills make us feel more competent than we think they will. That’s because they have a combinatorial effect with our other skills. And our expanding toolbox will help us stay competent longer than we otherwise would in a rapidly changing world.
There are two main kinds of skills to consider here. Some skills take us deeper into our craft. We can call these “niche-specific skills”. And some skills can be applied to almost any field. We can call these “general skills”.
It’s a good idea to continue developing both kinds of skills.
Niche-specific skills are part of the 10,000 hours you might need to put in to become truly excellent in your field. If you are a web programmer, for instance, you should keep learning new techniques and frameworks as you work on your projects. If you are a writer, you might take time to really practice the art of metaphor (or some other very specific skill), either between pieces, or as you work on them.
General skills can be applied to a range of niches. Here are some general skills you might consider developing in the year ahead: speed reading, public speaking, basic programming (just HTML and some simple scripting, perhaps), the ability to read and critique scientific studies (without necessarily needing to understand the complex mechanisms being discussed), basic mathematics, basic writing skills, basic video editing skills, basic design skills, the ability to have crucial conversations, knowing how to outsource work, identifying cognitive bias (in yourself and others) and developing ways to correct for it, some basic “handyman” skills, breaking bad habits, establishing good habits.
Niche-specific skills should be developed to a high level of proficiency.
General skills don’t need to be developed to a high level of proficiency at first. You may safely develop general skills to only a basic level of competence, as that is all it takes to allow you to imagine new possibilities and have more options. These general skills can be developed more fully later if you need them to be.
General skills might enable you to find a new way to serve your audience if you find your niche changing under your feet, or if you come to the realization that you are competing against too many excellent providers in your niche. In both of these cases, general skills can help you stay nimble and take your services in a new direction.
For instance, if you are a writer, and you learn just the basics of putting up HTML web pages, you might be able to do some things other writers aren’t doing. Perhaps you could try your hand at a “choose your own adventure” novel that would allow you to pursue alternative plot developments, and involve your audience in the process.
Alternately, if you’re a programmer, and you develop some speaking and video-editing skills, you could try your hand at producing Youtube tutorials that explain techniques in your field.
General skills are very similar to what Paul Graham calls “upwind skills”
And Scott Young explains how sprinkling some general skills in to your skill development regimen will allow you to find more luck as you work out your career path.
Before you know what your niche is, it might be a good idea to spend the bulk of your time developing general skills, and exploring some niches more deeply (as they interest you) until you figure out what you want to do.
Once you’re in a niche, the priority can flip, and you might spend more of your time developing the niche-specific skills, while still developing general skills a bit as you go.
You also don’t have to become good at every general skill there is. Once you have a well-defined specialty, perhaps a good goal would be to develop competence in one new general skill per year.
You also don’t need to develop new skills yourself. If you are in a position to hire others who have already developed the skills you need, then, by all means, do so. In that case the skill YOU need to develop is the skill of finding and managing those who have the skills you need. In a way, when you have easy access to others with skills, those skills become a part of your own skill set.
Goals for Increasing Autonomy
3. Consider coming out of your closet.
Are there things others don’t know about you that might cause them pain were they to know? Do you feel like you have to keep your true identity secret when you’d rather be yourself around the people you love?
If you are in a sexual orientation closet, a political party closet, a religion closet, or any other kind of closet, consider coming out. (Like you haven’t thought of that already :))
Coming out of a closet is not something to be rushed. You have to make sure you aren’t going to be slain in your sleep, and it might be nice if you can do it without being cut out of the inheritance. You’re in the closet for a reason. There is probably some potential for anger, sadness, disdain, or worse if you try to come out.
But it’s not something to be delayed indefinitely either (in most cases). What’s needed is a delicate touch. That’s why another good goal is to . . .
4. Learn the Art of Crucial Conversations
Some people have a knack for setting up listeners for bad news. They know how to choose the most helpful environment for the conversation. They know how to frame things to prepare their listeners. They know how to deliver the payload. And they know how to clean up afterwards.
They also know when to have a “big talk” and when to test the waters with subtle hints and let people figure out the rest on their own.
They know which people they should talk to first, and which people to talk to last. And they know how to recruit allies to their cause.
If you want to get out of a closet, stay out of new closets, and protect your autonomy in general for the rest of your life, make this the very next general skill you develop.
The book Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler is probably the most popular guide on this topic. That book is a good start. If you want to dig deeper from there, Google is your friend.
And once you know the art of crucial conversations (and other Machiavellian tricks of persuasion) you can also use your skills to . . .
5. Deal with Toxic influences.
If you have people in your life who stress you out, mooch off you, are mean to you, angry at you, or try to make you feel guilty all the time, set some boundaries. If that fails, get them out of your life if you can.
Make a list of these people, and make this one of your top goals this year.
Unfortunately, you might not be able to get rid of every toxic person. So it might also be good to . . .
6. Become Less Fragile to Negative Judgments
Consider this. If a politician has an extramarital affair, it often means the end of his career. If a sports star does, he is criticized harshly but does not lose his job. If a rock star or movie star has an extramarital affair, people respond mostly with a shrug, and the increased publicity might even provide a boost to his career. (Just reporting, not condoning).
Politicians are fragile to negative judgments. Rock stars are not. In Nassim Taleb’s terms, the rock star is “anti-fragile” to negative judgments (negative judgments have limited downside and potentially great upside).
Figure out where you stand on this spectrum in your career and in your personal life, and consider whether there are ways to make yourself less fragile (or even anti-fragile) to negative judgments. Try to set things up so you don’t have to care so much what everyone else thinks. You really can’t please everyone, so do yourself a favor and figure out a safe way to stop trying.
Coming down from high level strategy to low-level tactics, here’s a trick for deflecting negative judgments that works like a charm much of the time. If someone criticizes you, embrace the criticism and exaggerate it with a joke.
If someone calls you immature, say “that’s what my kindergarten teacher says.”
If someone calls you fat, say “ten more pounds and I’m ready for the Santa suit.”
And if you don’t think you can come up with one-liners on the fly, you can simply give a knowing look, and say, “you don’t know the half of it” or “yeah, it’s worse than you think.”
Goals for Increasing Relatedness
7. Find Your Tribe.
Most people thrive when they are part of a good tribe – a place they can go to contribute and receive help when needed, a place of mutual enjoyment, mutual respect, and mutual purpose.
You might already have this. Perhaps you’re part of a close and supportive family, and you’re enthusiastically involved social groups that fit you.
But many people find themselves running low on relatedness these days – at least from time to time. If you are in this position right now, consider setting goals for increasing your sense of relatedness this year (but only the good kind).
Now, given that there are many different kinds of people (introverts and extroverts, social butterflies and those seeking deep intimacy), different kinds of groups, different kinds of friendships, different modalities for friendships (online vs real world), and different ways to arrange friends and groups of friends. The advice here could get very complicated.
So let’s try to keep it simple. Just try to find some people you enjoy, whether it’s one other person, or a new group.
And then find ways to spend more time with people who energize you, and less time with people who drag you down.
And if you’re drawn to a tribal utopia, like the fantasy version of tribal life described in the beginning of this essay, use that as an ideal that you nudge your social life toward a little at a time.
In Closing . . .
The modern world has many benefits. But it can also be a harsh place for people who come equipped with psychologies that were molded during simpler times. The good news is that, if we keep our eyes open and think clearly, we might be able to have our cake and eat it too. We might be able to enjoy the benefits of modernity, while recreating some of the conditions we need in order to thrive — an environment in which our needs for autonomy, competence and relatedness are mostly satisfied.
If we think of our lives as a garden, the seven goals laid out above are mostly ways of preparing the soil. And the reason we take time to prepare the soil is so we can more successfully grow the plants we want to grow. The plants are all the specific projects we will take on in the coming year.
Maybe we will set our sights on writing a novel, coding a web application, remodeling a house, creating a piece of art, doing well in college classes, getting a promotion, or (gasp) making some money.
If we first make sure our needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness are being met, then the projects we do this year might be done mostly for the right reasons, and with more enthusiasm. We might even find ourselves accomplishing more of our goals, and becoming happier people all around in the process.
This was part 2 of the series: “The Ultimate Guide to Goal Setting”.
If you want to be notified when part 3 comes out, you can get on the email list. Just scroll up and enter your email address in the form on the right. (You’ll also get the free guide “Clear Mind, Effective Action”).
And, if you found this essay helpful, please share it with a friend or two (Would your Facebook or Twitter friends find it interesting or useful?)